THE ANIMAL CONSPIRACY!!!

Thank you all for joining me tonight. I am posting this for the benefit of all who post at Game Time Forums.

I would first like to say that I support Mr. Russel "Aquafina" Yost in his ongoing effort to rid the world of that disgusting, repulsive, home-invading pest known as the "opossum". I, myself, am an avid eradicator of the vermin-kind and have been for many years. It's time everyone who is reading this stand up and be counted and join us in this fight. We've shared the land long enough and it's high time we stake our claim for our rightful place at the top of the food chain.

Do you remember the news a while back about these carp on the Mississippi jumping into boats and injuring fishermen? It's true! They're called "bighead carp", they're from Asia, and they're attacking fishermen, bonking them in the head, severely injuring many. Biologists claim "The roar of boat motors agitates and excites the normally mild-mannered fish and they jump towards the sound." But I think these biologists are naively missing the obvious connection: FISH are attacking FISHERMEN! For the fish, it's kill or be killed. Get them before they get you. Even if the fishermen being attacked are practicing "catch and release", being hooked is still a painful and embarrassing experience for the fish and now they have had it!

What about the increase in mountain lion attacks on humans? Great white sharks are moving closer to shore. Moose have been showing up in towns and trampling people. A squirrel was in my living room last spring! Am I the only one who sees a pattern here?

People, wise up! The other animals are against us. Obviously there is an interspecies conspiracy to thwart the urban advancement of man. Skeptics ask, "How do the squirrels fit in?" Surveillance, obviously. The squirrels spy on what we people are doing in the city and report back to the bigger species out on the front lines.

Taken together, these species represent walking, hopefully not yet talking, flying, scratching, biting WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! And if they can convince the insect world, like the killer bees, to get involved, our way of life and democracy are in trouble.

Why would these other species want to hurt us? It's simple: They hate us. They hate our way of life. We swim in the safe environment of chlorinated pools, then towel off and have an adult beverage. These carp are stuck eating sludge in the Mississippi, a river polluted by guess who? Their mortal enemy, man! And to top it all off, we hook and eat them.This invasion of Asian carp is no accident. It's the first step of a multi-species, multi-faceted attack. We ignore the obvious at our own peril.

Therefore, it's time to adopt a new doctrine in regards to these other species. We can no longer sit back and wait for them to attack us. We have to attack and wipe out any and all species who would attack us WHERE EVER THEY ARE! We will not rest until every bighead carp, opossum, mountain lion, moose, and squirrel or any other species that associates with them are defeated. If the UN wants to get involved, fine. If not, we GO ALONE! Of course, the British will show up, they always do.

Thank you and may God bless America.
I aint lyin'...